Area Teen Did Not Poop Her Pants At Field Hockey Practice Despite Rumors
BALTIMORE–Varsity field hockey center midfielder for the Kennedy Wolverines, Jessica Wagner, slipped on goose poop on the field Thursday afternoon. The slip resulted in her falling onto her butt and thus getting goose poop on her shorts in the exact same spot actual human poop would go if one were to poop their pants. “Everyone thinks I pooped my pants but I didn’t! It was the goose poop! I’m not going to say I have never pooped my pants because of course I have, especially after drinking a green juice.” Jessica stated emphatically. To raise the stakes even more, the entire varsity football team witnessed this event from their adjacent field. Rumors were immediately swirling that Jessica had pooped her pants. “I would have changed my shorts, but I don’t have an extra pair in my bag. I’ll never make that mistake again, but it’s too late.” At press time, Jessica’s frenemy, Aubrey Prescott, was adding details to the fictionalized story such as “the smell was unbearable” and “it made such a loud sound!”
